Noel Ellis's Official Blog

I wield the pen to explore the vastness of the human mind

Category: WHATSAPP

SIR JEE KAL

 

 

SIR JEE KAL

 

I am dil se Hindustani therefore I think in my mother tongue and write in a foreign language. So please bear with me as at many places I have used Roman Hindi. So here goes……….

I was wondering what would be the scene in a battalion which is going in for a surgical strike and they have to take a couple of news anchors along. I am sure the breaking news would be, “Times Now or Never” is the first channel to conduct surgical strikes. Two news anchors sacrificed their internet services for several hours. Cameras did precision shooting; all enemy has been captured on tape. Commandos were incidental.

CO Sahib Bahadur announcing to the paltan that for today’s strike we shall have Navika and Rahul (names changed for security purposes). Mera dono ankh main aansu hai, ek khushi ka, kyon ki media pahli baar saath main hoga, doosra gum ka kyon ki Navika ko wapas lana parega. One jawan asked why so? The CO replied that he anticipates that Pakis are already fed up with the beating and bullshit they get from their wives. This anchor should be left for the Indian politicians for the same purpose.

Imagine one commando sees ten missed calls from his wife in the commando base. He better call her back before he gets an ultimatum and tell her janu I am alright. I have just come for a stroll in the Pakistani jungles. Can I get you something from Pak? She would worriedly ask hope you have your visa and passport, koi check karega to. Then say yaar kindly go a little ahead to Lahore and get some “Mohammadi ki Nihari”. If nothing else then meri skin ke liye multan se multani mitti hi le ana. Imagine what the commando will do, strike gaya tel lene.

Imagine another Commando who is a pure “pandit”. Abhi meri pooja nahi hui hai I cannot fire before that. It is about first light and is time for the morning namaz. Commando Ramzan opens his compass to find the direction of Mecca and spreads his durrie. By the time he has finished praying the raid party is ex-filtrating.

God save that raid party in which a commando like me is there who is all for vastu and timings as per rahus and ketus. I might drop two uzi rifle magazines and carry a crystal dolphin to make my raid a success. Then attack precisely in the afternoon at mahurat time. God save us then!

I would suggest next time someone please tell the channels minute to minute details of the preparation also as narrated below.

Commando bahut subha utha, fir langar ja ke bed tea piya. Fir jungle pani ke liye gaya, a kar breakfast kiya. Fir CHM do admi langar working ke liye detail kiya to make “sakkarparas” for the operation. Commando Noel Ellis ke ghar se telegram aya “daddy serious”, par us ka chutti cancel tha. Us din poora strike team ko do anda aur ek rum ka peg CO saab ke taraf se diya gaya. CO saab ke darbar main point aya ki pichli baar strike ke baad bara khana nahi huaa. CO sahib ne bataya ki is bar pucca hoga.

CHM ne fir BPET failure ka list bataya. Teen commando jo chutti se aya tha fail paya. Jitna bhi “katagiri” log tha un ko kote duty par lagaya. Admi kam hone se company clerk ko team main shamil kiya. CO saab ne bataya poora team ko saat din ka CL diya jayega ane ke baad. Fir sab ka dress equipment check hua aur Commando Ellis ka mobile aur purse jabt kiya gaya aur sakht warning diya kyon ki “sikoorti” leak ho sakta hai.

Navika madam ke liye special olive green colour ka lipstick aur cammo colour ka face cream indent kiya gaya. Rahul ke FSMO main shaving razor na hone ki wajah se saat din pitto parade ka adesh diya.

My request to these TV fellows who think they have acquired a lot of knowledge of military operations, you better leave things military to the Military. Please stop calling these Pakis and those anti India chaps on your shows. It’s bad for national morale. You can discuss with the politicians whatever you want to but please leave us faujis out of politics.

Be that as it may. The politicians should thank the Forces and stop sermonising about the surgical strikes. Next time let us take a few politicians & anchors to witness it all first hand. That man who went on the nation’s behalf knew that he might not get back alive. He did not sleep many nights but rehearsed as his country’s Izzat was at stake. That soldier did not know it will generate such pathetic news debates. He went to give the enemy a bloody nose and gave it. Forces never say “sir jee kal”, we finish our jobs today. Anchors & politicians stop behaving like enemies within. Will you ever care for our sentiments too? I wonder!!!!!!!!!

JAI HIND

© Noel Ellis

FAN AND ITS USES

 

 

FAN AND ITS USES

 

 A fan in the room is such a solace especially in summers. The mere presence of it gives you a comfort level not because it is circulating air around but thank God electricity is there. Everyone has a favourite place in the room depending on your hierarchy in the house. Sitting under the fan naturally is reserved for the head of the house, right. You are mistaken. If you have pets then they are the bosses and they know where to sit. You can adjust accordingly.

You must ask a “Bai” the importance of a fan. She thinks that fans are meant to dry the wetness of the poncha. The most irritating thing they can do is that if you are sitting and she comes in for jharu. You have to leave the room for two reasons, she feels awkward and you feel awkward trying to hide a Whatsapp message. Second reason is that she will switch off the fan for her jharu. Choice is yours to sit in the heat or evaporate from the room. Actually, she doesn’t want you to hang around and leave her to work in peace.

The story doesn’t end here. If she has finished her jharu, then comes the turn of poncha. There is a time lag between the two. First, all jharu is finished and then she does poncha. Now the opposite happens. Say you have kept the regulator of the fan at two; bai wouldn’t care less and shall twist its nose to five. Dare you get down from the bed to reduce the regulator speed, you will be shouted down to climb up again. You will ruin her neatly done poncha if you step on the wet floor with your dirty feet and leave your pug marks on the nice & clean looking tiles.

Then there are some fans which till date I have not made head or tail of. These were fans inside those old buses, Ambassadors and Fiats. The vehicles used to be without AC in the years of yore. So by default all windows used to be kept open. I used to wonder whom are they going to throw air on. The driver used to have a special switch on the dashboard and in fauj the INT chap would stick “FAN” written with a lettro gun. This car fans neck used to be permanently twisted towards the driver invariably.

I have very fond memories of the “fatta class” of the Indian Railways. Reservations were done rarely and the free for all second class unreserved used to be our basic mode of travel. It used to have fans. Switches never worked and if they worked “on” meant “off” and vice versa. Most of the fans used to just stare at you without moving. My dad had found a way to make them work. He used to pull out a “Kanghi” from his pocket and put it though the gaps and give the blade a solid hit, 50 % chances used to be it would start. I used to make the fan my shoe rack and tie shoe laces to one of the wires as an anti-theft mechanism. Fans worked when the train moved whereas they were required to run when the train halted. Who benefited from the fans, God alone knows!

In school I remember very vividly. Fans served as clothes driers. The best way to dry clothes was to hang washed uniforms on the fans. Hostelers in school put them on hangers and hung these on the neck of the fan blades. They used to leave the fans switched on and left them to rotate at the slowest speed. On return the clothes used to be dry. After lunch and before study period was ideal time to visit the “dhoban” if I remember correctly. Innovation never ended as wires were neatly wrapped around the fan blades. That was in case more number of clothes were to dry. It was not surprising to see fans in hostels drooping down, never giving the requisite air when required because the balance of the blades used to get offset in the clothes drying procedure.

Be that as it may, fans of many varieties have surfaced including one called the “Farrata”. It can blow up many a skirt while passing by. I still haven’t been able to explain the logic to any bai that the fan is meant to cool people and not dry the poncha wetness. I am sure these ladies will one day understand why Schuyler Skaats Wheeler invented the fan. Will they? I wonder!!!!!!!!!!

JAI HIND

© Noel Ellis

THE ITCH TO FORWARD MESSAGES

These days I find a message circulating regarding a massive earthquake in and around Delhi which will cause large scale destruction. People have been advised to leave the town and go to safer places to avoid aftermath of this calamity. Well, thereafter it being a fake message gained momentum. People rebuked their friends for spreading rumours to the extent their discussion ended up in fights. Some quarrels went thus far that people were removed from groups permanently.

The description of various kinds of people that exist on social media has already been doing the rounds. Most dangerous are those who see a long message and just forward it to everyone including their groups blindly. There are bound to be occasions when this starts a chain message competition. What do you do about it? Should we believe it, ignore it or simply delete it, is the dilemma.

A sane person will just ignore it I suppose. Some intellectuals will try and find out whether it is authentic. If they find it fake, they too would ignore it. Some of them may still forward it that just in case it happens, let me inform nears and dears. Some pranksters forward such messages for fun, to see if it really returns back.

Let me now become an urban metro man. Firstly, I am looking for a free wifi to save on my data charges. My main concern is that my mobile should continuously keep receiving messages irrespective of which social media platform they come from. “Akhir apna bhi tashan hai”. (My reputation is at stake) People should know that I have a costly phone and the damn thing rings. Most people I find just keep scrolling their phones. They would have opened say face book or Whatsapp and they would continuously keep rubbing their thumb on the screen. Then press the side button to switch off the light. Repeat it several times a minute.

Another funny thing is that people keep their phones on the minimum light mode. This is done for two reasons, one is to hide from your neighbour who has a bad habit of glancing into your phone while he is scrolling his own aimlessly, the second and most important is to save battery. Battery is the juice of life and without it survival would be next to impossible. The brightness settings are modified moment the thing is plugged into a charger. If I say it in simple terms “Mufat ka chandan ghiss mere nanadan”. (Use anything which is free)

Today, we all have become virtual zombies, constantly checking our mobiles, constantly forwarding something which may or may not pertain to anything and constantly trying to distribute “free ka gyan”. The logic is if it has come to me it has to be sent. People who had never wished me good morning ever, now send umpteen morning wishes. You ask them is the morning really so good. The reply comes, I sent you because of its content. I then ask, it is 8 pm in the evening and still its morning for you. Have you shifted to the US? He says no. Then I ask who this “Chimman Lal is”, he says I don’t know, so I can’t but resist asking again that see the last line after good morning. Oh! He says I didn’t read till that far. I say fine and delete it.

Many moons back, while learning radio telephony (wireless communication) our instructor’s taught us the meaning of a few terms. The first one was “OK”. This meant the message has been received. In mobile terms that the message has been delivered, the bell of the mobile has rung and your face has lit up that there is a message. The second term was “ROGER”, which meant “message sun liya aur samajh liya”. (Message has been received and understood). In today’s terms, that single grey tick has now turned into two grey ticks and possibly blue. Samajh liya is notional as no one has the time. The third used to be “WILCO”. This meant “message sun liya, samajh liya aur us par amal kiya jayega”. (I have received the message, I have understood the message and I shall act upon it as directed). In today’s terms, I have seen the message, I may not have read it or understood the contents of it but I shall forward it to all my contacts as a habit.

Be that as it may Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sending this long article, let me see how many really acknowledge that they have seen it, reading is not compulsory, commenting I dare not ask. Many of you will forward to your friends. Let me see how many of you have understood the meaning of the three terms and are itching to contact me? I wonder!!!!!!!!!

JAI HIND

 Noel Ellis

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