Noel Ellis's Official Blog

I wield the pen to explore the vastness of the human mind

Tag: News paper






Will you guys believe it that I don’t even know which all countries are participating in the football world cup. I cannot know the results next day also as I don’t watch TV news and only read “raddi” news papers. However, I am aware that it is being played in Russia. Where was it held last year, Khuda jane and where will it be played next, ki farq painda hai.  My wife, a news paper & football buff will update me on this.

I subscribe to a news paper but by the time it comes to us it is well soaked and drenched courtesy the monsoons. You can read the last page through the front page. It also comes a day late. That’s the acche din for us. Bijli has reached all the villages, gas has reached all the “fookni” using mothers but the news paper takes its own sweet time. Saturday and Sunday’s paper comes combined on Monday weighing more than a tonne.

The other day as I entered the house during lunch break, a typical smell caught my nose. These days I am very allergic to certain smells. The only smell which can keep me alive is the smell of bar-be-cue. I can follow that zig-zag path of smoke like the “alladin ka jin” has trailing behind him. Well, we tried locating that scent but could not. It was difficult to have lunch as that “chameli ka tel” type typical fragrance used in “haldi-uptan” ceremonies in Indian weddings kept hitting my nostrils and giving me a headache.

After I quit smoking certain smells like heeng (asafoetida), Ghee being made at home, aggarbatti & dhoop of any kind and hawan smoke etc) kills me. Both I and my wife went on a hunting spree but alas we were not able to locate the source. I left the drawing room to avoid getting that nauseated feeling but that trail of stink was even more prominent there.

Somehow I managed to survive that one hour lunch break. As I was leaving, wife picked up the news paper to read. Bang! She said the news paper smells. This much was clear none of our perfumes had leaked nor could have come in contact with this news paper unless the person delivering it would have rubbed or dropped something. As she opened the paper the odour got very strong. Lo and behold it was written on the front page “smell”. I left for the office in a huff.

It turned out to be a new perfume being launched by Park Avenue. I have nothing against the brand and I still have a soft corner for them as they were the first people to bring in a beer shampoo in India I suppose. My inlaws had gifted me on my wedding a toilette set which had a beer shampoo. So to find such an obnoxious (ghatia) kind of “khusboo” did hurt a few feelings.

Be that as it may, my wife knowing me well tore off the first page and burnt it, the smell won’t go, she threw away the whole news paper and ensured that the “kachara gadi” takes it away, still there was no respite. We gave up, even though that lingering stench was giving me a very uncomfortable experience.

Next day, after my tea in the morning I visited my throne. I picked up one news paper lying around for the ceremony. As I settled down for the job this smell became prominent again and I could not abort mission. I realised that this damn news paper was folded in between the smelly one. So a kind of sympathetic transfer of smells had taken place. My irritation kept growing as I just could not throw this paper away in the midst of bombardment. I finished firing and rushed to the main dustbin outdoors and dunked that goddamn news paper into it.

The satisfaction within me was showing as a kind of victory I had achieved. I then went in for brushing my teeth. As I cut the pea sized drop of tooth paste on my brush I smelt the same rat again. I thought I was hallucinating but moment I started brushing and as my hand closed in towards my mouth the smell again became very prominent. The smell had got stuck to my hands while reading the paper.

I quickly did “kulla” and washed my hands with soap many times. Wife kept reminding me that you would be late to reach office, I said to myself to hell with my office. I shall not carry this smell with me at any cost. I can die of any other cause but be declared dead for inhaling gases of the Nazi gas chambers.

I heard the siren of the factory go. Finally, I rubbed a lot of hand sanitizer as I left. Now I was thinking what “bahana” I will tell my boss that why was I late today? Any guesses? Keep wondering!!!!!!!!!!!!!


© Noel Ellis


Time to rejoice again has come. Don’t ask me the reason yaar, it is not that Valentine’s Day is approaching, but I am feeling good because our paperwala decided to close his agency and there will be no more supply of “raddi” henceforth. By the way he is the only supplier of newspapers on this side of Kundalika River. Now, I must tell you that I stay on the banks of this river, in fact it’s estuary before it falls into the sea. The place is called REV DANDA, Rev means ret (sand) and Danda pronounced as Daanda means Killa (fort). Well, isn’t it news for most of you? Isn’t it more refreshing than the newspaper which is full of ads, tender notices, and classified commercials? By the way it still has to sink in my head that classified ads are classified as it means and not in the fauji parlance meaning it has been classified into Top Secret, Confidential etc.

Be that as it may, I am going to donate these 7×31=221 rupees saved from the cost of my monthly newspaper bill for some welfare of the have not’s fund. Let me round it off to 250/- for ease of calculations. Yesterday, I heard Akshay Kumar starting an app, let me see if I can help my own brethren and their kin first.

I know some of my good friends will now be wondering what will happen to my “potty times”. That is where all the ideas are generated. I remember many-many moons back somewhere during exercises in the desert sands of Jaisalmer our potties used to be shallow trench latrines (STLs). Invariably we used to be up at about first light (dawn) or before, have that lovely boiling steaming glass of tea brought by the sahayak, and while you finished your tea, the empty rum bottle filled with water used to be ready for you to rush and fire the first salvo of the day. Now, one used to be hesitant if one saw a white handkerchief on a head bobbing in the STL, it used to be our company commander who was a Sikh. The pressure of the charge building up used to be so great that any delay beyond 20 seconds would make an explosion which will stink for times to come. He being a gentleman said friends, this is one sacred place where entry is open at any time, just walk in do your firing and evaporate. Soon it became our meeting ground for the days planning. Within two minutes all that you had done the previous day, what you plan for today may be it recce or training was discussed. The company commander used to modify some plans in between the grunts and off we went on our daily routines. Good old news paperless days, good old golden sands of JA-SALE-MER.

I can assure you folks this weekend I did not watch any kind of news, any news debate, any election speculation and analysis, just stuck to a movie or a comedy show besides my garden and feel so relieved. I spent time with my wife and daughter, joked, went for a dinner. In fact a good old fauji friend organised a barbecue party and dinner day before yesterday. What a time spent it was! We laughed, chirped, cheered, jeered, cursed, bitched, dogged, ate, drank and made merry. Yesterday at the dinner table I shared how I fell in love with my wife with my daughter who was curious to know about it. I will share that story with you all too in due time. Also, we went visiting the nearest town which is 20 kms from our place. On our way back, we bought some tomatoes after pressing them, turning them, smelling them, checking them for leaks sitting on our haunches at the vegetable vendor shop on the road side. It was fun. I think let me enjoy these smaller pleasures in life then getting into complicated things like the SENSEX, election speculations etc. I don’t want to bet on who is going to win in Punjab, till the time people of Punjab win.

Well friends, if no news is the best news then I would suggest to you all take a break too. Just chill get away from the idiot box, wrap all your shoes in newspapers and venture into the outdoors. It will bring in some change in your daily grind.  I hope I am not tempted to start carrying my mobile to read my social media messages in the potty. Will I? I wonder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


© Noel Ellis

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